The Search for the Edi Lorka
by Madelynne Rabb
Summary: Kim Possible plus Monty Python equals maybe I should get my head checked...please R&R!
1. The Cast

The Search for the Edi Lorka

A KP/Monty Python and the Holy Grail crossover/parody. 

By Madelynne Rabb

Summary: Kim's been trying to recruit new people for the new Medieval Club at Middleton High when Wade calls her to search for the elusive Edi Lorka. (Thank Goodness for the Random Word Generator!) So Kim takes her new group of friends to find it. I realize that the actions of some of the characters are OOC, but this movie is just too silly to be taken seriously!

If you see a un-KP name in on the cast list, then it is a name I came up with for a character. If you read carefully, you will see that I edited out some parts. I did this because I believe they don't fit in to the new story. I have stuck little author's notes within the story, mostly to explain things. They are in {}.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kim Possible, and I don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Well, yes I do . . . okay, my sister does. You know, that Special Edition DVD has some cool stuff!

You know, some times I think I'm the only sane one in my family, and then I write sheer lunacy like this. . .

********************

The Cast

**Holy Grail Character KP Character**

_Round Table _

King Arthur Kim

Sir Bedevere Blaine

Sir Launcelot Monique

Sir Galahad Ron

Sir Robin Kailee

_Other Characters (in order of appearance)_

Patsy Herbert__

Black Knight Some kid dressed in black @ Middleton High

Narrator Yours Truly, Madelynne Rabb (Hey, I wanted in on the action!)

God Wade

French Guards Drakken and Shego

Historian My good friend Matt

Historian's Wife My good friend Chelsea

Three-Headed Knight Three students in a hallway of Middleton School

Zoot (/Dingo) Tara (/Tara's identical sister Dara)

Girls at Castle Anthrax Middleton High Cheerleaders

The Knights of Ni The Knights of Shore

Father Senor Senior Sr.

Prince Herbert Senor Senior Jr.

Concorde Boeing

Tim the Enchanter Patsy the Weird guy

Rabbit of Caerbannog Bunny of Karcarat

Non-important characters do not have counterparts, but their names have been changed to fit the story.


	2. Chapter 1: The Story Begins, or, A Knigh...

Chapter 1: The Story Begins, or, A Knight in Not-so-Shining Armor

Scene 1

***we see a green hill. Soon Kim is seen walking over the hill, with a figure behind her.

[wind] 

[clop clop clop] 

**Kim**: Stop here! 

[clop clop clop] 

** Student a**: Halt! Who goes there? 

**Kim**: My name is Kim, daughter of Dr. Gary Possible, from the House of Possible. Defeater of the Villains, captain of the Cheerleaders, and Medieval Club president!

** Student b**: You've got to be kidding me. 

**Kim**: I am...and this is my trusty assistant Herbert. We have traveled the length and breadth of the school in search of people who will join me in my Medieval club. I must speak with the leader of your group. 

** Student a**: What? Traveled? 

**Kim**: Yes! 

** Student a**: You're using coconuts! 

**Kim**: What? 

** Student #1**: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together. 

**Kim**: So? We have traveled since the bell signaled the beginning of the lunch period, through the quad, through-- 

** Student a**: Where'd you get the coconuts?

**Kim**: We found them. 

** Student a**: Found them? In Middleton? The coconut's tropical!

**Kim**: What do you mean? 

** Student a**: Well, this is a temperate zone. It snows here. Do you really think you could get a coconut here?

**Kim**: Swallows may fly south in winter, and yet don't we see them here? 

** Student a**: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? 

**Kim**: Not at all. They could be carried. 

** Student a**: What? A swallow carrying a coconut? 

**Kim**: It could grip it by the husk! 

** Student a**: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. 

**Kim**: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your leader that Kim from the Medieval Club is here? 

** Student a**: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? 

**Kim**: Please! 

** Student a**: Am I right? 

**Kim**: I'm not interested! 

** Student b**: It could be carried by an African swallow! 

** Student a**: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not an American swallow. That's my point. 

** Student b**: Oh, yeah, I agree with that. 

**Kim**: Will you ask your leader if he wants to join my Medieval Club?! 

** Student a**: But then of course a-- African swallows don't migrate. 

** Student b**: Oh, yeah... 

** Student a**: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... 

**Kim**: [yells to Students] You know what? I got them at the supermarket! Get a life!

[clop clop clop as Kim and Herbert "ride off"] 

** Student b**: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together? 

** Student a**: No, they'd have to have it on a string. 

** Student b**: Well, simple! They'd just use a willow branch or something! 

** Student a**: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? 

** Student b**: Well, why not? 

****************************

Scene 2 ***The scene begins with two students fighting, one dressed in black, and one in green.

[Kim music – important-sounding music] 

[music stops] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Aaaagh! 

[Kim music] 

[music stops] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Aaagh! 

** Green-dressed Kid**: Ooh! 

[Kim music] 

[music stops] 

[clonk]

** Black-dressed Kid**: Aagh! 

** Green-dressed Kid**: Oh! 

[Kim music] 

Ooh! 

[music stops] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Aaaagh! 

[clang] 

** Black-dressed Kid and Green-dressed Kid**: Agh!, oh!, etc. 

** Green-dressed Kid**: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! 

[woosh] 

[Black-dressed Kid knocks Green-dressed Kid out] 

[thud] 

[scrape] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Umm! 

[clop clop clop] 

**Kim**: You're pretty strong. [pause] I'm Kim, the Medieval Club President. [pause] I'm looking for some people to join my new club. [pause] You look like the type that would enjoy it. Will you join me? [pause] Oh, well. Nevermind. Come on, Herbert. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: None shall pass. 

**Kim**: What? 

** Black-dressed Kid**: None shall pass. 

**Kim**: I don't have any argument with you, but I must get into this hallway. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Then I'm gonna have to get rough. 

**Kim**: You want rough? I can give you rough! Don't make me get rough! Now let me in! 

** Black-dressed Kid**: I move for no Man. 

**Kim**: I'm not a man, in case you haven't noticed! 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Fine, then. I move for no one. 

**Kim**: Better!

**Kim and Black-dressed Kid**: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc. 

[Kim gives Black-dressed Kid a black eye.] 

**Kim**: Now stand aside. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: It's nothing. 

**Kim**: Nothing? Your eye's starting to bleed! 

** Black-dressed Kid**: No, it isn't. 

**Kim**: Well, what's that, then? 

** Black-dressed Kid**: I've had worse. 

**Kim**: You liar! 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Come on, you wussie! [punch] Huyah! [punch] Hiyaah! [punch] Aaaaaaaah! 

[Kim gives the Black-dressed Kid another black eye.] 

**Kim**: Yes! 

[starts to walk by] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: [grabs her] Hah! 

[throws punches blindly] 

Come on, then. 

**Kim**: What? 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Let's go! [throws punches blindly] 

**Kim**: You are brave, or maybe stupid, but I have won. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Oh, had enough, eh? 

**Kim**: Look, you idiot. You can't see. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Yes, I can. 

**Kim**: Look! 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Nothing. [more blind punches] 

**Kim**: Look, stop that. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Chicken! [more blind punches. . .you know] Chickennn! 

**Kim**: Look, I can do worse. [blind punch almost connects with Kim's face.] Right! [whop] [Kim takes the Black-dressed Kid down to the floor.] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: [his face is starting to bleed] Right. I'll do you for that! 

**Kim**: You'll what? 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Come here! 

**Kim**: What are you going to do, bleed on me? 

** Black-dressed Kid**: I'm unstoppable! 

**Kim**: You're a looney. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: I always win! Let's go! Come on, then. 

[whop] [Kim takes the Black-dressed Kid down to the floor again.] 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw. 

**Kim**: Come, Herbert. 

** Black-dressed Kid**: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You wussies! Come back here and take what's coming to you...! 

****************************

Scene 3

***Kim and Herbert walk out to the field, where a group of students clamor around their leader as members of the FMA (Future Monks of America) do their daily chanting.

**Monks**: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [thwack] Pie Iesu domine,... [thwack] ...dona eis requiem. [thwack] Pie Iesu domine,... [thwack] ...dona eis requiem. 

** Students**: A Witch! A Witch! [Monks thwack] A Witch! A Witch! 

**Monks**: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine... 

** Students**: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've found a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've got a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a Witch! We've found a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! 

** Student #1**: We have found a Witch. May we burn her? 

** Students**: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her! 

** Blaine**:How do you know she is a Witch? 

** Student #2**: She looks like one. 

** Students**: Right! Yeah! Yeah! 

** Blaine**: Bring her forward. 

**Girl**: I'm not a Witch. I'm not a Witch. 

** Blaine**:Uh, but you are dressed as one. 

**Girl**:They dressed me up like this. 

** Students**: Augh, we didn't! We didn't... 

**Girl**:And this isn't my nose. It's a fake one. 

** Blaine**: Well? 

** Student #1**: Well, we did do the nose. 

** Blaine**:The nose? 

** Student #1**: And the hat, but she is a Witch! 

** Student #2**: Yeah! 

** Students**: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! 

** Blaine**:Did you dress her up like this? 

** Student #1 **No! 

** Students #2 and #3**:No. No. 

** Student #2**: No. 

** Student #1**: No. 

** Students #2 and #3**:No. 

** Student #1**: Yes. 

** Student #2**: Yes. 

** Student #1**: Yes. Yeah, a bit. 

** Student #3**: A bit. 

** Students #1 and #2**:A bit. 

** Student #3**: A bit. 

** Student #1**: She has got a wart. 

[Random cough] 

** Blaine**: What makes you think she is a Witch? 

** Student #3**: Well, she turned me into a newt. 

** Blaine**:A newt? 

** Student #3**: I got better. 

** Student #2**: Burn her anyway! 

** Student #1**: Burn! 

** Students**: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!... 

** Blaine**: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! I saw this in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There are ways of telling whether she is a Witch. 

** Student #1**: Are there? 

** Student #2**: Ah? 

** Student #1**: What are they? 

** Students**: Tell us! Tell us!... 

** Blaine**: Tell me. What do you do with Witches? 

** Student #2**: Burn! 

** Student #1**: Burn! 

** Students**: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... 

** Blaine**:And what do you burn apart from Witches? 

** Student #1**: More Witches! 

** Student #3**: Shh! 

** Student #2**: Wood! 

** Blaine**:So, why do Witches burn? 

[pause] 

** Student #3**: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? 

** Blaine**:Ok, fine! Heh heh. 

** Students**: Oh, yeah. Oh. 

** Blaine**:So, how do you tell whether she is made of wood? 

** Student #1**: Build a house out of her. 

** Blaine**: Can't you build houses made of stone? 

** Student #1**: Oh, yeah. 

** Random**: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... 

** Blaine**: Does wood sink in water? 

** Student #1**: No. No. 

** Student #2**: No, it floats! It floats! 

** Student #1**: Throw her into the pool! 

** Students**: The pool! Throw her into the pool! 

** Blaine**: What also floats in water? 

** Student #1:** Bread! 

** Student #2**: Apples! 

** Student #3**: Uh, very small rocks! 

** Student #1**: Soda! 

** Student #2**: Uh, gra-- gravy! 

** Student #1**: Cherries! 

** Student #2**: Mud! 

** Student #3**: Cars! Cars! 

** Student #2**: Lead! Lead! 

**Kim**: A duck! 

** Students**: Oooh. 

** Blaine**: Exactly. So, logically... 

** Student #1**: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood. 

** Blaine**: And therefore? 

** Student #2**: A Witch! 

** Student #1**: A Witch! 

** Students**: A Witch! A Witch!... 

** Student #4**: [Hands over a rubber ducky] Here - use this duck. 

** Blaine**: Let's use the science wing's biggest scales. 

** Students**: [as everyone heads to the science wing, Kim following] Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Witch! Burn the Witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh... 

***Inside the science wing, the students set the girl on one scale, and the rubber duck on the other.

** Blaine**: Right. Here we go!

** Students**: [noticing that they both weigh the same] A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! 

**Girl**: It's a fair cop. 

** Student #3**: Burn her! 

** Students**: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!... 

***The Students leave with the girl.

** Blaine**: Who are you who knows so much? 

**Kim**: I am Kim, Captain of the Cheerleaders. 

** Blaine**: Wow, it's so awesome to meet you. 

**Kim**: What was all that about? That was a little odd.

** Blaine**: They're freshmen. They think what they want, and the best thing to do is give them what they want. I just hope they won't actually try to burn the poor girl.

**Kim**: Anyway, will you come with me and join me in the Medieval Club? 

** Blaine**: Me? Wow! Yeah! 

**Kim**: What is your name? 

** Blaine**: 'Blaine.'

**Kim**: Then I dub you 'Sir Blaine, Knight of the Medieval Club'. Let's go. My friends Ron and Monique will be joining us soon.

****************************

Narrative Interlude

**Madelynne**:The wise Sir Blaine was the first to join Kim's Club, but others followed: Sir Ron the Brave, Lady Monique the Stylin', Lady Kailee the-somewhat-ditzy, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-Story. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, or at least in the yearbook: the Medieval Club of Middleton High.


	3. Chapter 2: Camelot, A Message From Wade,...

Chapter 2: Camelot, A Message From Wade, and Really Bad French Accents

The Real Ron Stoppable: You may have the rights to any other Monty Python/KP crossover, mostly because I don't know those movies well enough to do one. I happen to think that this is pure genius too. Thank you.

Scene 4 ***All of the Knights and Ladies of the Medieval Club are "riding" around, with their assistants doing the coconut thing.

[clop clop clop] 

**Sir Blaine**: So, what exactly will we be doing in this club, my lady? 

**Kim**: I'm not sure, exactly. I just thought it would be fun to have a Medieval Club. Let's just ride for now, and I'm sure we'll come up with something.

** Blaine**: Oh, certainly, Madam. 

**Ron**: Look, KP! 

[trumpets] 

**Kim**: Let's call it Camelot! 

** Monique**: Camelot! 

** Blaine**: Camelot! 

** Herbert**: It's only a classroom. 

**Kim**: Shh! Knights and Ladies, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot! 

[in medieval hall] 

** Middleton High Choir**: [singing] 

We're Knights of the Round Table. 

We dance whene'er we're able. 

We do routines and chorus scenes 

With footwork impeccable. 

We dine well here in Camelot. 

We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. 

We're Knights of the Round Table. 

Our shows are formidable, 

But many times we're given rhymes 

That are quite unsingable. 

We're opera mad in Camelot. 

We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 

In war we're tough and able, 

Quite indefatigable. 

Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable. 

It's a busy life in Camelot. 

**Bass voice**: I have to push the pram a lot. 

[outdoors] 

**Kim**: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It seems the choir is in there, and they are entirely too silly. 

** Knights**: Right. Right. 

***As they ride off

** Blaine**: What was that?

** Kailee**: I'm not sure I wanna know.

****************************

Scene 5 ***Kim and Co. are "riding" away, when Kim's Kimmunicator goes off.

[clop clop clop] 

[beep-beep-be-beep] 

**Kim**: What's the sitch, Wade?

**Wade**: Kim, got a mission for you.

**Kim**: Great!

**Wade**: 'Course it's great! Look! [angels sing] Kim, this is the Edi Lorka. {AN: The Edi Lorka is an amulet.} Look carefully, Kim, for you have to find it. For some odd reason, it is hidden here in Middleton around the school. It has the powers to stop any villain you come across. That's what you gotta do, Kim: the search for the Edi Lorka. [singing stops] 

**Kim**: Hey, Wade, I'm gonna recruit the new Knights and Ladies of the Medieval Club to come along. I bet Ron and I could use the extra help.

**Ron**: Booya! 

** Monique**: Too cool! 

****************************

Scene 6 ***Medieval Club arrives at the cafeteria.

[Kim music] 

[clop clop clop] 

** Kim**: Halt! [horn] Hey there! [pause] Hello! 

**Shego**: [appears on roof in disguise and sporting a bad French accent] 'Allo! Who is eet? 

**Kim**: I am Queen Kim Possible, and these are my Knights of the Middleton High Medieval Club. Whose hangout is this? 

**Shego**: This is the hangout of my leader, Jason St. John. We are the exchange students.

**Kim**: Go and tell your leader that we have been sent on a mission. If he will give us food, he can join us in our quest for the Edi Lorka. 

**Shego**: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very interested. Uh, he's already got one, you see. 

**Kim**: What? 

** Monique**: She says they've already got one! 

**Kim**: Are you sure he's got one? 

**Shego**: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (to Drakken, who's hiding) I told 'em we already got one.

[Drakken chuckles] 

**Kim**: Well, u-- um, can we have a look? 

**Shego**: Of course not! You're hero-types-a! 

**Kim**: Well, what are you, then? 

**Shego**: [removes disguise] I'm a villain! Why do think I have this outrageous green skin, you silly girl-a?! 

**Ron**: What are you doing at the cafeteria? 

**Kim:** And what's with the French accent?

**Shego**: Mind your own business! 

**Kim**: If you will not show us the Lorka, we shall take you by force! 

**Shego**: You don't frighten us, hero-pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, children of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, Kim Possible, you and all your silly little k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt! 

** Monique**: She's got problems. 

**Kim**: Tell me about it. Ever since I started this club, everyone's gone weird. (to Shego) Now see here--

**Shego** I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed hero-person! I blow raspberries in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your Father smelt of elderberries! {AN: I love that line – I even told an ancient Roman centurion that once – long, involved story!}

** Monique**: Is there someone else in there we could talk to? 

**Shego**: No, now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff] 

**Kim**: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. 

** Drakken**: [whispers] Fetchez la weapon de secret. {AN: I apologize for my French - I studied German, not French!} 

**Shego**:What? 

** Drakken**: Get the secret weapon! 

**Kim**: If you do not agree and let us in, then I guess I'll have to-- [twong] [mooooooo] Aaaack! 

** Knights**: Aaaaaah! [thud-the cow lands on one of the Knight's assistants] Ah! Ohh! 

**Kim**: Charge! 

** Knights**: Charge! 

[mayhem and livestock as Kim and Co. try to climb the building] 

**Shego**: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. 

[more mayhem and more livestock – why mess with a good scene?] 

** Drakken**: And this one's for your dad! 

**Kim**: Run away! 

** Knights**: Run away! 

**Shego**: Thppppt! 

[Drakken and Shego taunt] 

**Ron**: I'll tear them apart! 

**Kim**: No, no. No, no. 

** Blaine**: Madam! I have a plan. 

[later] 

[wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw] [clunk] [bang] [rewr! – apparently there is a cat involved in this little scheme] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak] 

** Drakken:** [whispering]C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. 

**Shego: **[whispering] Quoi? 

** Drakken: **Un cadeau. 

**Shego: **What? 

** Drakken**: A present. 

**Shego**: Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. 

** Drakken**: Hurry. 

**Shego**: What? 

** Drakken**: Let's go. 

**Shego**: Oh. 

** Drakken**: On y va. Bon magne. Over here.

**Shego**: Remind me why we're speaking French?

[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank] 

**Kim**: What happens now? 

** Blaine**: Well, now, uh, Ron, Monique, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the Rabbit, taking Drakken and Shego, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! 

**Kim**: Who leaps out? 

** Blaine**: U-- u-- uh, Ron, Monique, and I, uh, leap out of the Rabbit, uh, and uh... 

**Kim**: Ohh. 

** Blaine**: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden partridge--[Kim smacks Blaine upside the head]

[clank] [twong] 

**Kim**: Run away! 

** Knights**: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! 

[CRASH] 

**Drakken and Shego**: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh... 


	4. Chapter 3: The Knights Separate, and the...

Chapter 3: The Knights Separate, and the Tale of Lady Kailee

Author's Note: You're not reviewing! I hate it when authors hold their stories hostage, but I might just do that if I don't get some reviews! I apologize for this being shorter than some of the other chapters, but it's best to break the story off here.

Scene 7

[clack] 

**Voice**: Boring yet. . .okay just boring film for schools, take eight. 

** Director** (which also happens to be me!): Action! 

**Matt**: Getting walloped by that livestock got Kim steamed. The ferocity of the taunting took her completely by surprise, and Kim became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Edi Lorka were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Kim, having discussed this with the Knights and Ladies, decided that they should separate and search for the Lorka individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Ron—

** Knight**: Aaaah! 

[Knight thumps Matt with a flaming German workbook] 

[Matt falls to ground] 

** Chelsea: **[runs to Matt]Matt! 

{AN: Since Matt got thumped, I'll explain what's going on: Kailee will check the north part of the school, Ron will check the west part, Monique will look in the south part, and Kim and Blaine will look in the east.}

** Director**: Hey, Matt, you okay?

****************************

Scene 8

[trumpets] 

** Madelynne**: The Tale of Lady Kailee. So, each of the Knights went their separate ways. Lady Kailee rode through the dark, scary, desolate Agriculture wing, accompanied by her assistant Jimmy, who apparently has brought his CD collection.

**Jimmy**: [singing "Love, Salvation, The Fear of Death" by Sixpence None the Richer {AN: I don't own this either.}] 

"Well I'm staring straight into the face of hell 

You're so close and you can't even tell 

I'm so wrapped up inside 

Because I don't have much to love 

Horrified I feel from pits unseen 

Falling off my pedestal of plentiful deeds 

As it crumbles down on top of me 

I contemplate my lack of love 

Come and save my soul 

Before it's not too late 

I'm not afraid to admit 

How much I hate myself 

All these gongs and cymbals ring inside my head" 

** Kailee**: Um, yeah. Jimmy, you had to sing that?

**Jimmy**: Would you like me to pick a different song? [looks through his CDs] Here's one. How about "Don't Fear the Reaper?" {AN: I don't know who wrote or sang this, but I don't own it.}

** Kailee**: [to her fellow travelers] You think you could pick a happy song? Never mind. Keep your wits about you. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. 

** Kailee's assistant Jimmy**: Well, it's not my feet. I just washed them! {AN: Yes, I admit to borrowing this from Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so get off my back already!}

***Kailee and Co. come across three students.

**Three Students**: Stop! Who are you? 

**Jimmy**: [singing] She's brave Lady Kailee, brave Lady Kailee, who-- 

** Kailee**: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um, just passing through. 

**All Students**: What do you want? 

**Jimmy**: [singing] To fight and-- 

** Kailee**: [smacking Jimmy] Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-- j-- just-- just to um, just to p-- pass through. 

**All Students**: I don't think so! 

** Kailee**: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Lady of the Medieval Club. 

**All Students**: You're a Lady of the Medieval Club? 

** Kailee**: I am. 

**Left Student**: In that case, I shall have to kill you. 

** Middle Student**: Should I? 

**Right Student**: Oh, I don't think so. 

** Middle Student**: Well, what do I think? 

**Left Student**: I think kill her. 

**Right Student**: Oh, let's be nice to her.

**Left Student**: Oh, shut up. 

** Kailee**: Perhaps I could-- 

**Left Student**: And you. Oh, quick! Get the knife out. I want to cut her head off! 

**Right Student**: Oh, cut your own head off! 

** Middle Student**: Yes, do us all a favor! 

**Left Student**: What? 

**Right Student**: Yapping on all the time. 

** Middle Student**: You're lucky. You're not next to him. 

**Left Student**: What do you mean? 

** Middle Student**: You spit when you talk! 

**Left Student**: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath. 

** Middle Student**: No I don't! 

**Right Student**: Oh, stop whining and let's go have lunch. 

**Left Student**: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill her first and then have a burger and soda. 

** Middle Student**: Yes. 

**Right Student**: Oh, not burgers. 

**Left Student**: All right. All right, not burgers, but let's kill her anyway. 

**All Students**: Right! 

** Middle Student**: She buggered off. 

**Right Student**: So she has. 

***Kailee and Co. are now "riding" through a different hallway.

**Jimmy**: [singing] Brave Lady Kailee ran away, 

** Kailee**: No! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] Bravely ran away, away. 

** Kailee**: I didn't! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, she bravely turned her tail and fled. 

** Kailee**: No! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] Yes, brave Lady Kailee turned about 

** Kailee**: I didn't! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] And gallantly she chickened out. Bravely taking to her feet, 

** Kailee**: I never did! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] She beat a very brave retreat, 

** Kailee**: All lies! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Lady Kailee. 

** Kailee**: I never! 


	5. Chapter 4: The Tale of Sir Ron, or, Chee...

Chapter 4: The Tale of Sir Ron, or, Cheerleaders Who Need a Life

Mewberries: Thanks for the review. And yes, I will continue. Here's the next chapter.

Scene 9

[trumpets] 

** Madelynne**: The Tale of Sir Ron. 

***Ron stumbles through a horrific rainstorm, until he comes to the girls' locker room. He sees something that looks like the Edi Lorka. 

[boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound] 

**Ron**: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of all that is good in Sweden, open the door! 

[squeak] [thump] [squeak] [boom] 

**Girls**: Hello! 

**Tara** : Hi! Welcome to Cheerleader Central

**Ron**: Cheerleader Central? 

**Tara**: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! 

**Ron**: You are the keepers of the Edi Lorka? 

**Tara**: The what? 

**Ron**: The Lorka. It is here. 

**Tara:** Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Caitlyn! Emily! 

** Caitlyn and Emily**: Yes, Tara? 

**Tara**: Prepare a bed for our Guest. 

** Caitlyn and Emily:** Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!... 

**Tara**: Away! Away! The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. 

**Ron**: Well, look, I-- I, uh-- You have beds in the girls' locker room?

**Tara**: What is your name, Handsome? 

**Ron**: 'Sir Ron... the Chick Magnet.' 

**Tara**: Mine is Tara. Just Tara. Oh, but come. 

**Ron**: Look, please! In the name of Davy Crockett's sweat-stained buckskins, show me the Lorka! 

**Tara**: Oh, you've been through a lot. You're delirious. 

**Ron:** No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this-- 

**Tara**: Sir Ron! You would not be so mean as to refuse our hospitality. 

**Ron**: Well, I-- I, uh-- 

**Tara:** Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but twenty young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and seventeen-and-a-half. Oooh. It is a lonely life: practicing, doing our hair, and running around in short skirts. We are just not used to handsome guys. No. No. Come. Come. You may lie here. [noticing that Ron is hurt] Oh, but you're hurt! {AN: Wow. What direction. Thank you Captain Obvious!}

**Ron**: No, no. It's-- it's nothing. 

**Tara**: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap] 

** Allysin**: Well, what seems to be the trouble? 

**Ron**: They're doctors?! 

**Tara**: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes. They've taken a CPR class.

**Ron**: B-- but-- 

**Tara**: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Allysin! Doctor Sarah! Practice your art. 

**Sarah**: Try to relax. 

**Ron**: Are you sure this is absolutely necessary? 

** Allysin**: We must examine you. 

**Ron**: There's nothing wrong with me! 

** Allysin**: Please. We are doctors. 

**Ron**: Look! I can't do this! I have to go!

** Allysin**: Back to your bed! At once! 

**Ron**: Don't mess with my head!. I have seen the Lorka! 

** Allysin**: There's no Lorka here. 

**Ron:** I have seen it! I have seen it! [clank] I have seen—[Ron has stumbled into the room just before the showers. Don't worry, they're all clothed.]

**Girls**: Hello. 

**Ron**: Oh. 

**Girls**: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. 

**Ron**: Tara! 

**Dara**: No, I am Tara's identical twin sister, Dara. 

**Ron**: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

**Dara**: Where are you going? 

**Ron**: I'm looking for the Lorka! I have seen it, here in this locker room! 

**Dara**: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Tara! 

**Ron**: Well, what is it? 

**Dara**: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Tara! She has been turning our outside lights on, and I have just remembered, one of them is Lorka-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. 

**Ron**: It's not the real Lorka? 

**Dara**: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Tara! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Madelynne was writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think. 

** Drakken**: At least ours was written better. 

** Black-Dressed Kid**: At least mine had better action.

**Old Man**: Get on with it. 

**Patsy the Weird guy**: Yes, get on with it! 

**Army of Students**: Yes, get on with it! 

**Dara**: Oh, I am enjoying this scene. 

**Wade:** Get on with it! 

**Dara**: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Tara. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Cheerleader Central, we have but one punishment for turning the Lorka-shaped light on: challenge her in a pillow fight. 

**Girls**: A pillow fight! A pillow fight! 

**Dara**: You must fight her well, and after you have fought her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, fight me. 

** Melody**: And me. 

** Lauren**: And me. 

**Kate**: And me. 

**Dara**: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good pillow fight! 

**Girls**: A pillow fight! A pillow fight! There is going to be a pillow fight tonight! 

**Dara**: And after the fighting, the making out. 

**Girls**: The making out! The making out! 

**Ron**: Well, I could stay a bit longer. 

***Monique runs into the room.

** Monique**: Ron! 

**Ron**: Oh, hello. 

** Monique**: Quick! 

**Ron**: What? 

** Monique**: Quick! 

**Ron**: Why? 

** Monique**: You are in great peril! 

**Dara**: No he isn't. 

** Monique**: Silence, foul temptress! 

**Ron**: You know, she's got a point. 

** Monique**: Come on! I'll cover your escape! 

**Ron**: Look, I'm fine! 

** Monique**: Come on! 

**Girls**: Sir Ron! 

**Ron**: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! 

**Dara**: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! 

**Girls**: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! 

** Monique**: No, Ron. Come on! 

**Ron**: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily. 

**Dara**: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily. 

**Girls**: Yes. Let him handle us easily. 

** Monique**: No. Quick! Quick! 

**Ron**: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a twenty of them! 

**Dara**: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance. 

**Girls**: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily... 

[boom] 

**Dara**: Oh, crap.

** Monique**: We were in the nick of time. You were in great danger. 

**Ron**: I don't think I was. 

** Monique**: Yes, you were. You were in terrible danger. 

**Ron**: Look, let me go back in there and face the danger. 

** Monique**: No, it's too dangerous. 

**Ron**: As Kim's sidekick, I've been in more danger than that. I could have handled them. 

** Monique**: No, we've got to find the Edi Lorka. Come on! 

**Ron**: Oh, let me have just a little bit of danger? 

** Monique**: No. It's unhealthy. 

**Ron**: I bet you're jealous. You can't get a guy to save your life. 

** Monique**: No, I'm not. 

****************************

Narrative Interlude

** Madelynne**: Lady Monique had saved Sir Ron from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Lorka. Meanwhile, Kim and Sir Blaine, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-- 

** Students**: Get on with it! 

** Madelynne**: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Kim discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh! That's gonna leave a mark. All right, who's the wise guy that thinks he can thump the author and not end up dying slowly and painfully? Don't worry, I'll find out.


	6. Chapter 5: The Tale of Queen Kim and Sir...

Chapter 5: The Tale of Queen Kim and Sir Blaine

Mewberries and The Real Ron Stoppable: Thank you again for the reviews. I'm glad *someone* (throws "The Look" at other non-reviewing readers...) likes it.

Scene 10

**Old Man**: [laughs like a looney] 

**Kim**: And this weird guy of whom you speak, he has seen the Lorka? 

**Old Man**: [more weird laughing]

**Kim**: Where does he live? 

**Old Man**: [more weird laughing] 

**Kim**: Old Man, where does he live? 

**Old Man**: [finishes his laughing]. He knows of a cave, a cave which no Man has entered. 

**Kim**: And the Lorka. The Lorka is there? 

**Old Man**: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Disco Music, which no Man has ever crossed. 

**Kim**: But the Lorka! Where is the Lorka?! 

**Old Man**: Seek you the Bridge of Death. 

**Kim**: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Lorka? 

**Old Man**: [I think you know . . .] 

****************************

Scene 11

[spooky music] 

[music stops] 

**Head Knight of Shore**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Knights of Shore**: Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!!

**Kim**: Who are you? 

**Head Knight**: We are the Knights of Shore! 

** Random**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: No! Not the Knights of Shore! 

**Head Knight**: The same! 

** Blaine**: Who are they? 

**Head Knight**: We are big-time Pauly Shore fans, so we go around saying 'Hey Bu-uddy!" 

**Kim**: Those who hang around them seldom live to tell the tale! 

**Head Knight**: The Knights of Shore demand a sacrifice! 

**Kim**: Knights of Shore, we are but simple students who seek the weird guy who lives behind the school. 

**Head Knight**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Knights of Shore**: Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh! 

**Head Knight**: We shall say 'Hey Bu-uddy' again to you if you do not do what we want. 

**Kim**: Well, what is it you want? 

**Head Knight**: We want... a shrubbery! 

[dramatic chord] 

**Kim**: A what? 

** Knights of Shore**: Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!!

**Kim and Party**: Ow! Oh! 

**Kim**: Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery. 

**Head Knight**: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this hall... alive. 

**Kim**: O Knights of Shore, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. 

**Head Knight**: One that looks nice. 

**Kim**: Of course. 

**Head Knight**: And not too expensive. 

**Kim**: Yes. 

**Head Knight**: Now... go!

We've hit the half way mark! 5 more chapters to go!


	7. Chapter 6: The Tale of Lady Monique

Chapter 6: The Tale of Lady Monique

Once again, thank you to my two loyal reviewers...::shoots The Look at non-reviewing readers:: I'm glad that at least you two love it. On with the story!

Scene 12

** Madelynne**: The Tale of Lady Monique

**Senor Senior, Sr**: One day, son, all this will be yours! 

**Senor Senior, Jr**: What, the curtains? 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No. Not the curtains. The whole world! This'll be your kingdom, Jr. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: But Mother-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Father, son. Father. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Rather what?! 

**Senor Senior Jr**: I'd rather... [music] ...just... dance! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a dance number while I'm here. Now listen, Jr. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose Father owns the biggest area of open land in the world. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: B-- but I don't want land. 

** Senor Senior, Sr**: Listen, Jr. We live on a bloody island, with the exception of this house in Middleton. We need all the land we can get. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: But-- but I don't like her. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... areas of land. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ...a certain... special... something! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Karen, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure my son doesn't leave this room until I come and get him. 

**Guard #1**: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. {AN: Why mess with another good scene?}

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, no. Until I come and get him. 

**Guard #1**: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave. 

**Guard #1**: And you'll come and get him. 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Right. 

**Guard #1**: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, no. Leaving the room. 

**Guard #1**: Leaving the room. Yes. [sniff] 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: All right? 

**Guard #1**: Right. 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Right. 

**Guard #1**: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Yes? What is it? 

**Guard #1**: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Look, it's quite simple. 

**Guard #1**: Uh... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right? 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Right. 

**Guard #1**: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us? 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-- 

**Guard #1**: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here-- 

**Guard #1**: Until you or anyone else-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr: **No, not anyone else. Just me. 

**Guard #1**: Just you. 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Get back. 

**Guard #1**: Get back. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: All right? 

**Guard #1**: Right. We'll stay here until you get back. 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. 

**Guard #1**: What? 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Make sure he doesn't leave. 

**Guard #1**: Your son? 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave. 

**Guard #1**: Oh, yes, of course. 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Guard #1**: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed kinda crazy me havin' to guard him when he's a Guard. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Is that clear? 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Guard #1**: Oh, quite clear. No problems. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Right. Where are you going? 

**Guard #1**: We're coming with you. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave. 

**Guard #1**: Oh, I see. Right. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: But Father! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Hush, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no dancing! 

**Guard #2**: Hic! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Oh, go and get a glass of water. 

[clank] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [twong] ***Senor Senior Jr grabs a piece of paper, scribbles on it, ties it to an arrow, and shoots the arrow out his window.

****************************

Scene 13 ***Monique and her assistant Boeing are "riding" through a forest.

** Monique**: Well taken, Boeing! 

** Boeing**: Thank you, Madam! Most kind. 

** Monique**: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Boeing! 

[thwonk] ***An arrow hits Boeing in the chest.

** Boeing**: [falling to ground] Message for you, Madam. [fwump]

** Monique**: Boeing! Boeing! Speak to me! [reads note attached to arrow] 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my Father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of the Mansion behind Middleton High.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Edi Lorka! Boeing, you've been such a great friend, I won't let you have died for nothing! 

** Boeing**: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, Madam. 

** Monique**: Well, you shall not have been fatally hurt for nothing! 

** Boeing**: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, Madam. 

** Monique**: Oh, I see. 

** Boeing**: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, Madam-- 

** Monique**: No, no, sweet Boeing! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh] 

** Boeing**: Style, Madam? 

** Monique**: Style! 

** Boeing**: No, I feel fine, actually, Madam. 

** Monique**: Farewell, sweet Boeing! 

** Boeing**: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, Madam? Um, yeah. 

****************************

Scene 14

[inside castle] 

**Karen and Girls**: [giggle giggle giggle] 

[outside castle] 

**Guest**: 'Morning! 

** Sentry #1**: 'Morning. 

** Sentry #2**: [Sees Monique running toward the castle like a maniac] Oooh. 

** Sentry #1**: [ptoo] 

** Monique**: [arrives at castle and starts beating up on everyone] Ha ha! Hiyya! 

** Sentry #2**: Hey! 

** Monique**: [more beating up] Hiyya!, Ha!, etc. 

**Karen and Girls**: [giggle giggle giggle] 

** Monique**: [more . . . you know] Ha ha! Huy! 

** Guests**: Uuh! Aaah! 

** Monique**: [more beating up . . . um, yeah] Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!... [reaches Senor Senior Jr's room]

**Guard #1**: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room—[gets knocked down] aaugh! 

** Monique**: [inside Senor Senior Jr's room]O cute one, Behold your humble servant, Lady Monique of Camelot. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: You got my note! 

** Monique**: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: You've come to rescue me! 

** Monique**: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't-- 

**Senor Senior Jr**: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... [music] 

** Monique**: Well, I-- 

**Senor Senior Jr**: [beginning to dance]...there must be... someone... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you? 

**Senor Senior Jr**: I'm your son! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: No, not you. 

** Monique**: Uh, I am Lady Monique, Sir. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: He's come to rescue me, Father. 

** Monique**: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Did you knock all those Guards unconscious? 

** Monique**: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: They cost $500 each! 

** Monique**: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: Don't be afraid of him, Lady Monique. I've got a rope all ready. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: You beat up eight wedding Guests in all! 

** Monique**: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son wasn't a villain. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: I can understand that. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: [starts lowering his rope out his window] Hurry, Lady Monique! Hurry! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Shut up! You only thumped the Bride's Father, that's all! 

** Monique**: Well, I really didn't mean to... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Didn't mean to?! You put your fist right to his head! 

** Monique**: Oh, dear. Is he all right? 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune! 

** Monique**: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding south from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? 

**Senor Senior Jr**: [hanging out window] Hurry, Lady Monique! 

** Monique**: Uh, I am a Lady of Queen Kim's Medieval Club, Sir. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Very nice classroom, Camelot. Uh, very good computer equipment. 

** Monique**: Yeah, I guess so.

**Senor Senior Jr**: Hurry! I'm ready! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? 

** Monique**: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,... 

**Senor Senior Jr**: I'm ready! 

** Monique**: ...um, I mean to be so understanding. [thonk] Um,... [woosh] 

**Senor Senior Jr**: Oooh! 

** Monique**: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this style, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**:: Oh, don't worry about that. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: Oooh! [splat] ***Senor Senior Jr has fallen out of his window.

****************************

Scene 15

** Guests**: [crying] 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room. 

**Guest**: There he is! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Oh, crap. 

** Monique**: [starts beating on guests again] Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please! 

** Monique**: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I am so sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone. 

**Guest #1**: She's beat up the best Man! 

** Guests**: [yelling] 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Lady Monique from the Classroom of Camelot, a very brave and influential Lady--a friend of Kim Possible, and my special guest here today. 

** Monique**: Hello. 

**Guest**: She hurt my auntie! 

** Guests**: [yelling] 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who hurt who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Senor Senior Jr, has just fallen to his death. 

** Guests**: Oh! Oh, no! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! [clap clap clap] For, since the tragic wounding of her Father-- 

**Guest #2**: He's not quite hurt! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Since the near hurtful wounding of her Father-- 

**Guest #2**: He's getting better! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: [motioning for one of his guards to kill the Bride's father] For, since her own Father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him. 

** Bride's Father**: Uugh! 

**Guest #2**: Oh, he's died! 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her Old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense. [clap clap clap] And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between Karen and the brave, but dangerous, Lady Monique of Camelot-- 

** Monique**: Excuse you? I'm not that kind of girl.

**Guest #2**: Look! 

** Guests**: Oooh! The dead guy! 

** Boeing**: He's not quite dead. 

**Senor Senior Jr**: No, I feel much better. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep! 

**Senor Senior Jr**: No, I was saved at the last minute. 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: How?! 

**Senor Senior Jr**: Well, I'll tell you. 

[music as Senor Senior Jr starts to dance] 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! 

** Guests**: [singing and dancing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Shut uuup! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell!... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Shut up! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell!... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Shut up! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell!... 

**Senor Senior, Sr**: Not like that! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... 

** Boeing**: Quickly, Madam! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell!... 

** Boeing**: Come this way! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!... 

** Monique**: No! It's not right for my style! 

** Guests**: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape... 

** Monique**: I must escape more... [sigh] 

** Guests**: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way,... 

** Boeing**: Stylishly, Sir? 

** Monique**: Stylishly! 

** Guests**: [singing] But he's here with us today... 

** Monique**: Heee! Hoa! [crash] Hoo! 

** Guests**: [singing] What a wonderful escape! 

** Monique**: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could I get a little help, please?


	8. Chapter 7: Back to Queen Kim and Sir Bla...

Chapter 7: Back to Queen Kim and Sir Blaine, or, Reunited (And it Feels So Good)

Mewberries: Don't forget what you really can't hear: "Oh, he fell a long, long way/But he's here with us today/ Oh, what a wonderful escape!" Now picture that to a techno beat...I guess I forgot that part. We all know SSJ's all for techno music.

Scene 16

[Kim music] [clop clop clop] [rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! {AN: What are a bunch of cats doing here?}] 

**Kim**: Mr. School Gardener! [rewr!] [music stops] Is there anywhere in this school where we could get a shrubbery? 

[dramatic chord] 

** School Gardener**: Who sent you? 

**Kim**: The Knights of Shore. 

** Gardener**: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. 

**Kim**: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'Hey Bu-uddy'. 

** Gardener**: Agh! Do your worst! 

**Kim**: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... Hey Bu-uddy! 

** Gardener**: No! Never! No shrubberies! 

**Kim**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Gardener**: [cough] 

** Blaine**: Hey buddy!! 

**Kim**: No, no, no, no, bu-u-- 

** Blaine**: Hey Buddy! 

**Kim**: No, it's not that. It's 'Hey Bu-uddy'. 

** Blaine**: Hey Buddy! 

**Kim**: No, no. 'Hey Bu-uddy!'. You're not doing it properly. No. 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim and Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: That's it. That's it. You've got it. 

**Kim and Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Gardener:** Ohh! 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Gardener**: Agh! 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Frank the Shrubber**: Are you saying 'Hey Bu-uddy' to that old gardener? 

**Kim**: Erm,... yes. 

**Frank**: Oh, what sad times these are when passing thugs can say 'Hey Bu-uddy' at will to school gardeners. This generation is in big trouble. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. 

**Kim**: Did you say 'shrubberies'? 

**Frank**: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Frank the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies to schools. 

** Blaine**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Kim**: No! No, no, no! No! 

****************************

Scene 17

**Kim**: O Knights of Shore, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? 

**Head Knight**: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem. 

**Kim**: What is that? 

**Head Knight**: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Hey Bu-uddy'. 

** Knights of Shore**: Hey Bu-uddy!! Shh! 

**Head Knight**: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'. {That is such a great word, I had to leave it in! For another matter, how can I even attempt to improve this scene?} 

** Random**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Head Knight**: Therefore, we must give you a test. 

**Kim**: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights who till recently said 'Hey Bu-uddy'? 

**Head Knight**: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! 

[dramatic chord] 

**Kim**: Not another shrubbery! 

** Random**: Hey Bu-uddy!! 

**Head Knight**: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. 

** Knights of Shore**: A path! A path! A path! Hey Bu-uddy!! Shh! Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!! Hey Bu-uddy!! Shh! Shh!... 

**Head Knight**: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! 

[dramatic chord] 

** Knights of Shore**: A herring! 

**Kim**: We shall do no such thing! 

**Head Knight**: Oh, please! 

**Kim**: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! 

**Head Knight**: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word. 

**Kim**: What word? 

**Head Knight**: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Shore cannot hear. 

**Kim**: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! 

**Head Knight**: You said it again! 

**Kim**: What, 'is'? 

** Knights of Shore**: Agh! No, not 'is'. 

**Head Knight**: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'. 

** Knights of Shore**: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'. 

** Blaine**: My liege, it's Lady Kailee! 

**Jimmy**: [singing] Packing it in and packing it up 

And sneaking away and buggering up 

And chickening out and running toward home, 

Yes, bravely she is throwing in the sponge. 

**Kim**: Lady Kailee! 

** Kailee**: My liege! It's good to see you. 

**Head Knight**: Now she's said the word! 

**Kim**: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Edi Lorka? 

**Jimmy**: [singing] She is sneaking away and buggering off-- 

** Kailee**: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it. 

**Head Knight**: He said the word again! 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! 

** Kailee**: I was looking for it. 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! 

** Kailee**: Uh, here-- here in this hall. 

**Kim**: No, it is far from here. 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! 

**Head Knight**: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word... 

**Kim**: Oh, stop it! 

** Knights of Shore**: ...we cannot hear! 

**Head Knight**: Ow! He said it again! Wait! I said it! I said it! [clop clop clop] Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh! 

** Knights of Shore**: Aaaaugh! 

****************************

Narrative Interlude

** Madelynne**: And so, Kim and Blaine and Sir Kailee set out on their search to find the weird guy of whom the Old Man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the forest, they met Ron and Monique, and there was much rejoicing. 

** Knights**: Yay! Yay! 

[woosh] 

** Madelynne**: In the frozen land of the football field, they were forced to eat Kailee's assistant Jimmy. Why? Because I found out he was the one who thumped me a few scenes back. I told you I would find out!

**Jimmy**: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee! 

** Madelynne**: And there was much rejoicing.

** Knights**: Yippee! 

**Madelynne**: A year passed. [cartoon of seasons changing] Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter,... ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day... 


	9. Chapter 8: Patsy the Weird Guy and The A...

Chapter 8: Patsy the Weird Guy and The Adorable Bunny of Death, or, Madelynne loves Canada!

And lo, Mewberries reviewed once more, and there was much rejoicing! (Yay!) And if there be anyone among you who has not yet reviewed, let him/her show him/herself lest there be much weeping and gnashing of teeth...

Scene 18 ***Kim and Co. come upon a guy who is dancing around dippily launching model rockets using a lighter and making boom noises while doing so.

[Kim music] 

[clop clop clop] 

[music stops] 

[boom] 

** Knights**: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh. 

**Kim**: Knights and Ladies! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [whoosh] [boom boom boom boom] What the heck are you doing?

**Patsy the Weird guy**: I... am a weird guy. 

**Kim**: I think that's a given. What's your name? 

**Patsy**: There are some who call me... 'Patsy'

**Kim**: What an odd name. Greetings, Patsy the Weird guy. 

**Patsy**: Greetings, Kim Possible! 

**Kim**: You know my name? 

**Patsy**: I do. Everyone knows your name [zoosh] You seek the Edi Lorka! 

**Kim**: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Patsy. 

**Patsy**: Quite. [pweeng boom] 

[Kim and Knights applaud a particularly spectacular launch] 

** Kailee**: Oh. 

**Kim**: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Edi Lorka. Our quest is to find the Edi Lorka. 

** Knights**: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm. 

**Kim**: And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it. 

** Blaine**: Yes, we are. 

** Monique**: Yeah. 

** Kailee**: We are. We are. 

** Blaine**: We have been for some time. 

** Kailee**: Ages. 

** Blaine**: Umhm. 

**Kim**: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful. 

** Monique**: Look, can you tell us where-- 

[boom] 

**Kim**: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh-- 

**Patsy**: A what...? 

**Kim**: A l-- a-- a l-- a lo-- a-- a lor-- 

**Patsy**: A Lorka?! 

**Kim**: Yes, I think so. 

** Kailee**: Y-- y-- yes. 

**Kim**: Yes. 

** Monique**: Yup. 

** Knights**: That's it... 

**Patsy**: Yes! 

** Kailee**: Oh. 

**Kim**: Oh. Thank you. 

** Kailee**: Ahh. 

** Monique**: Oh. Fine. 

**Kim**: Thank you. 

** Kailee**: Great!. 

** Knights**: Aah... 

[boom pweeng boom boom] 

**Kim**: Look, um, you're a busy guy, uh-- 

**Patsy**: Yes, I can help you find the Edi Lorka. 

** Knights**: Oh, thank you. Oh... 

**Patsy**: At the base of Mount Middleton there lies a cave-- the cave of Karcarat-- wherein, carved in mystic word-like thingies upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the Edi Lorka. 

**Kim**: Where could we find this cave, O Patsy? 

**Patsy**: Follow. But! Follow only if you have souls of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no one has been able to fight with it and live! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights and ladies, if you doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. [makes weird claw with his hand and puts it at his mouth to give the appearance of long pointy teeth, making weird noises while doing so.]

**Kim**: [to the Knights] What an eccentric performance. 

****************************

Scene 19 ***Kim & Co. ride with Patsy to Mount Middleton.

[clop clop clop] 

** Various Knights' assistants**: [whinny whinny] 

** Monique**: They're nervous, Sire. 

**Kim**: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! ***Kim and Co. get off their "horses."

**Patsy**: Behold the cave of Karcarat! 

**Kim**: Right! Cover me. 

** Monique**: What with? 

**Kim**: W-- just cover me. 

**Patsy**: Too late! 

[dramatic chord] 

**Kim**: What? 

** Patsy: **There he is! 

**Kim**: Where? 

**Patsy**: There! 

**Kim**: What, behind the cute little bunny? 

**Patsy**: It *is* the [mocks Kim's tone] cute little bunny. 

**Kim**: You fool! 

**Patsy**: What? 

**Kim**: You got us all worked up for nothing! 

**Patsy**: Well, that's no ordinary bunny! 

**Kim**: Ohh. 

**Patsy**: That's the foulest, cruelest, and most bad-tempered animal you'll ever set eyes on! 

** Kailee**: You idiot! I almost wet myself I was so scared! 

**Patsy**: Look, that Bunny's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! 

** Monique**: Go walk in traffic! 

**Patsy**: He'll mess you up good, mate. 

** Monique**: Oh, yeah? 

**Patsy**: I'm warning you! 

** Kailee**: What's it do, nibble your ankles? 

**Patsy**: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! 

**Kim**: Go on, Jake. Chop his head off! 

**Jake**: Right! Silly little bleeder. One Bunny stew comin' right up! 

**Patsy**: Look! 

***The Bunny goes straight for Jake's jugular vein [squeak] 

**Jake**: [falls down dead] Aaaugh! 

[dramatic chord] [clunk] 

**Kim**: Oh crap! 

**Patsy**: I warned you! 

** Kailee**: I think I did it this time! 

**Patsy**: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them-- 

**Kim**: Oh, shut up! 

**Patsy**: Do they listen to me? 

**Kim**: Right! 

**Patsy**: Oh, no... 

** Knights**: Charge! [squeak squeak squeak] Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc. 

**Kim**: Run away! Run away! 

** Knights**: Run away! Run away!... 

**Patsy**: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha! 

**Kim**: Right. How Many did we lose? 

**Ron**: Trent. 

** Monique**: Nathan. 

**Kim**: And Jake. That's five. 

** Monique**: Three, Kim. 

**Kim**: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Bunny's dynamite. 

**Patsy**: Told you so. Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a cute harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. 

** Kailee**: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? 

**Kim**: Oh, shut up and go and change. 

** Monique**: Let's taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. 

**Kim**: Like what? 

** Monique**: Well... uh, I don't know. 

**Ron**: Have we got bows? 

**Kim**: No. 

**Ron**: We have the hand grenade. 

**Kim**: Yes, of course! The hand grenade Wade gave me! Get the Future Monks of America! I've got them holding on to it. 

**Monks**: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. 

**Kim**: How does it, um-- how does it work? 

**Ron**: How are we supposed to know, KP? 

**Kim**: Consult the Kimmunicator! We'll call Wade.

**Wade**: Hey, Kim.

**Kim**: We need help. How does the hand grenade work?

**Wade**: Well, actually, I didn't make the hand grenade. I got it from someone in Canada. Let me call up his site. [starts reading] "And when I finished making it, I raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this hand grenade that I have made, that, with it, I mayest blow mine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--"

**Kim**: Skip a bit, Wade. 

**Wade**: [continues reading] Oh! Here we go! "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy hand grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

**Kim**: Whoa. Dumber than advertised! {AN: Yes, I swiped that line too. This time from Animaniacs. Don't have an aneurysm!}

** Knights**: Those darn Canadians! {AN: Don't flame me, Canadians! I love Canada! David James Elliott is Canadian, and he is a hottie! I love Canada! Say it with me: Madelynne loves Canada, Madelynne loves Canada . . .}

**Kim**: Right! One!... Two!... Five! 

** Monique**: Three, Kim! 

**Kim**: Three! 

[angels sing] [boom]

****************************

Scene 20 ***Now that the adorable Bunny of Death [what a contradiction of terms!] is, well . . . dead, Kim and Co. head into the Cave. There is some unintelligible writing on the wall.

**Patsy**: Told you so. I distinctly remember saying something about that.

** Madelynne**: Shut up.

**Kim**: There! Look! 

**Ron**: What does it say? 

** Monique**: What language is that? 

**Kim**: Wade! You're a genius. [Kim points the Kimmunicator at the wall]

**Wade**: It's Gibberish! 

** Monique**: Of course! James of Gibber! 

**Ron**: 'Course! 

**Patsy**: What happened to Olfin Bedwere of Rheged!

** Madelynne**: I *said* shut up! This isn't your scene! Go home! You're finished for the story.

**Kim**: What does it say? 

**Wade**: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of James of Gibber. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Edi Lorka in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'. 

**Patsy**: What?! These are supposed to be the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged carved in mystic word-like thingies upon the very living rock!

** Madelynne**: Ugh! Does he ever shut up?

**Kim**: He didn't when we were taking on the Bunny. Check the scene we just did!

** Madelynne**: You're right.

**Kim**: What? 

**Wade**: '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'. 

** Blaine**: What is that? 

**Wade**: He must have died while carving it. 

**Ron**: Oh, come on! 

**Wade**: Well, that's what it says. 

**Kim**: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it! 

**Wade**: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! 

** Monique**: Perhaps he was dictating. 

**Kim**: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else? 

**Wade**: No. Just, 'aaaaaagggh'. 

**Ron**: Aaaauugggh. 

**Kim**: Aaaaaggh. 

** Blaine**: Do you suppose he meant The Hague? 

** Monique**: Where's that? 

** Blaine**: France, I think. 

**Ron**: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall? 

**Kim**: No, that's 'Saint Ives'. 

**Ron**: No, that's a lotion brand my mom uses. Saint Iiiiives. 

** Knights**: Iiiiives. 

** Blaine**: Oooohoohohooo! 

**Ron**: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh. 

** Blaine**: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm. 

**Ron**: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'! 

** Blaine**: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah! 

**Kim**: Oooh! 

** Monique**: Aack! 

[dramatic chord] [roar] 

**Wade**: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh! 

** Blaine**: That's it! That's it! 

**Kim**: Run away! 

** Knights**: Run away! [roar] Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay! [roar] Keep running! [boom] [roar] Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!... 

** Blaine**: We've lost him. 

[roar] 

** Knights**: Aagh! 

** Madelynne**: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Kim and her Knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the Animator suffered a fatal heart attack. 

** Animator**: Ulk! [falls to floor]

[thump] 

** Madelynne**: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Edi Lorka could continue. Meanwhile, I gotta hire an animator who doesn't inhale Quarter Pounders by the truckload . . . darn animator!

***************

AN: Only two chapters to go! However, they shall be rather short...only one scene each. Oh well...review away!


	10. Chapter 9: The Bridge of Death

Chapter 9: The Bridge of Death

Thanks again to my loyal reviewers...

Scene 21 

***The Bridge of Death over the Gorge of Disco Music.

["Car Wash" by Rose Royce {AN: Which, may I add, I do not own!} plays softly in background, mixed with horrendous screaming.] 

** Monique**: There it is! 

**Kim**: The Bridge of Death! 

** Kailee**: Oh, great. 

**Kim**: Look! There's the Old Man from scene twenty-four! 

** Blaine**: What is he doing here? 

**Kim**: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions-- 

** Monique**: Three questions. 

**Kim**: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- 

** Monique**: Three questions. 

**Kim**: Three questions may cross in safety. 

** Kailee**: What if you get a question wrong? 

**Kim**: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Disco Music. 

** Kailee**: Oh, I won't go. 

** Monique**: Who's going to answer the questions? 

**Kim**: Lady Kailee! 

** Kailee**: Yes? 

**Kim**: Brave Lady Kailee, you go. 

** Kailee**: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Ron go? 

**Ron**: Yes. Let me go, Kim. I will take him all by myself. What I'll do is fake left, and then right, then crawl-- 

**Kim**: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-- 

** Monique**: Three questions. 

**Kim**: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray. 

**Ron**: Got it, Kim. 

**Kim**: Good luck, brave Sir Ron. God be with you. 

** Bridge Keeper**: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 

**Ron**: Ask me the questions, Bridge Keeper. I am not afraid. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your name? 

**Ron**: My name is 'Sir Ron of Camelot'. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your quest? 

**Ron**: To seek the Edi Lorka. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your favourite colour? 

**Ron**: Blue. 

** Bridge Keeper**: Right. Off you go. 

**Ron**: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. 

** Kailee**: That's easy! 

** Bridge Keeper**: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. 

** Kailee**: Ask me the questions, Bridge Keeper. I'm not afraid. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your name? 

** Kailee**: 'Lady Kailee of Camelot'. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your quest? 

** Kailee**: To seek the Edi Lorka. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is the capital of Lichtenstein? 

[pause] 

** Kailee**: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [Kailee is thrown in {AN: When someone is thrown in, the volume of the disco music is raised a bit so you can hear it better.}]

**Kim**: Isn't it Vaduz? {AN: That is a homage to Rocinante's "Life With Kim," Chapter 8. Read it, but read its prequel first, "Anything is Possible"}

** Bridge Keeper**: Stop! What... is your name? 

** Monique**: 'Lady Monique of Camelot'. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your quest? 

** Monique**: I'm helping Kim seek the Lorka. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your favourite colour? 

** Monique**: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! [Monique is thrown in]

**Kim**: [as Monique is tossed over] Moooooooooniiiiiiiiiiiiiquuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeee!

** Bridge Keeper**: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? 

**Kim**: It is 'Kim', Queen of the Medieval Club. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is your quest? 

**Kim**: To seek the Edi Lorka. 

** Bridge Keeper**: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? 

**Kim**: African or European? 

** Bridge Keeper**: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [Bridge Keeper is thrown in]

** Blaine**: How do know so much about swallows? 

**Kim**: Well, you have to know these things when you're me, you know. 

[suspenseful music] 

[music suddenly stops] 

[intermission] 

[suspenseful music resumes]

AN: I apologize for the shortness of this chapter...only one more chapter to go!


	11. Chapter 10: More Bad French Accents, or,...

AN: This is regrettably my last chapter. I had a blast writing it, and I hope you had a blast reading it. However, I have fallen in love with this idea and will hopefully take it into other categories (for instance, watch for Sleeping Beauty JAG style!)

And now, without further ado, Chapter 10: More Bad French Accents, or, The End

Mewberries: I, too, am mourning the loss of Lady Monique. But that's what happens when you assign characters to already existing roles.

Scene 22 ***Now on the other side of the Bridge, Kim and Blaine are searching for Ron.

**Kim**: Ron! Ron! Ron! 

** Blaine**: Ron! Ron! 

**Kim**: Ron! 

[Police radio sounds as police officers arrest Ron.]

**Kim**: Ron! 

** Blaine**: Ron! Ron! 

[angels sing] [singing stops] [ethereal music] 

**Kim**: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! What the heck? [twong] [baaaa] Aack! 

[thud] 

**Shego**: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Missie Kim Queen, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we villains outwit you a second time! 

**Kim**: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Wade has guided us! 

**Shego**: How do you say, 'I one more time unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us villain folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! Hooked on Phonics didn't work for you, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters!

**Kim**: In the name of all that is good in Sweden, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! 

**Shego**: No chance, hero bed-wetting types. I bite my thumb {AN: I gotta read less Shakespeare!} at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's windshields! 

**Kim**: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of Carmen Sandiego and the glory of our-- [a flower pot drops from above and lands on Kim's head – don't worry, she's wearing her helmet]

**Shego**: [laughing] 

**Kim**: Agh. Right! That settles it! 

**Shego**: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we will fire our lasers at you and use your ashes as fertilizer already! Ha ha haaa ha! 

**Kim**: Walk away. Just ignore them. 

**Shego**: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy hero k-nnniggets! Thpppt! 

** Drakken and Shego**: [taunting] 

***A while later, Kim and Blaine have assembled a large group of students.

**Kim**: We shall attack at once! 

** Blaine**: Good idea! 

**Kim**: Stand by for attack! [exciting music] [music stops] [silence] Drakken! Shego! 

** Drakken and Shego**: [taunting] ...Dappy!... 

**Kim**: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of Carmen Sandiego,... 

** Drakken and Shego**: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!... 

**Kim**: ...we shall not stop our fight till both of you lie dead and the Edi Lorka returns to those whom Wade has chosen!

** Drakken and Shego**: ...Ha ha ha!... 

**Kim**: Charge! 

**Army of Students**: Hooray! 

[police Siren] 

** Chelsea**: Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure. 

** Inspector**: Come on. Anybody armed must go, too. 

** Officer #1**: All right. Come on. Back. 

** Chelsea**: Get that one. 

** Officer #1**: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along. 

** Inspector**: Put this Man in the van. 

** Officer #1**: Clear off. Come on. 

** Blaine**: With whom? 

** Inspector**: Which one? 

** Officer #1**: Oh-- this one. 

** Inspector**: Come on. Put him in the van. 

** Random**: Ahh. [squeak] Ooh. 

** Officer #1**: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! 

** Officer #2**: Run along! Run along! 

** Officer #1**: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. 

** Officer #2**: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. 

** Inspector**: Everything? 

[squeak] 

** Officer #1**: [to Madelynne] All right, miss. That's enough. Just pack that in. I'm going to have to take that computer as evidence. 

** Madelynne**: Dumme Bulle! {AN: German for "Stupid cop!" But never call a German police officer a "Bulle"!}

THE END


End file.
